I Thank My Ex-Wife

“I changed the locks. If you need access to the house, please let me know.”

Reading the text message makes my head spin. It’s not hurt, though my memories with my ex-wife are so emotionally charged that they’re as difficult to handle as live power lines. My head is spinning out of sheer bewilderment at the lack of reason behind it all. There’s so few words there, but the series of events that led to this message are so disorienting and the thoughts leave me physically dizzy.

First, there’s the simple tangible statement of what they’ve done. Legally, our house is still our house, and the possessions inside it are still ours. Only one person besides them has a copy of the house key, and so they are denying me access to what is rightfully mine. Locks are to keep people out you don’t trust, and parables around the untrustworthy showing the least trust come to mind. I haven’t once betrayed the trust of our marriage, so the concept of what is driving this paranoia is beyond me.

Movies come to mind where the main character gets snapped over to an alternate reality, where some pivotal decision in their past took the other route. It’s the best description I can think of for how I feel, and my ex-wife’s behavior doesn’t follow any logical sequence of events. They never indicated they mistrusted me, and I haven’t gone anywhere near my old house since I moved out. Every time I think about what they’ve said, I feel like I’ve woken up, dizzy, in some place I’ve never been; I feel detached from reality.

Most likely, I’m not the one detached from reality, and I think it’s them. After they expressed their intent to leave me, I felt like a checklist of features that they were using: check yes for managing the home, no for communication and trust, yes for shared expenses and errands, and no for love. Check no for a shared dwelling. They’ve made no move to take me off the mortgage, and the way they’re acting suggests they are planning on staying there indefinitely.

Our home was made possible by pooling resources and needs. Combined, our income allowed us to afford the home and all of the day-to-day expenses that come with home ownership. Most of the day-to-day care of things around the house fell to my care, and hiring a handyman is only going to make that more expensive. Living there solo means more than doubling their cost of living, and the legal process around the divorce means I know they can barely afford to do that. Deaf and blind, I think they’re completely ignoring the reality of the situation.

Locks aren’t cheap, changing them is labor intensive, and them changing them means they think there’s a real risk of me trying to enter the house. My plans are to leave this area of the country completely, perhaps indefinitely. I won’t be sharing a zip code, let alone a time zone. I’ve broadcasted my intentions loudly, and if they were paying any attention at all they would know. Since the moment this all started in November, I’ve been in a constant state of aggressive development, and my personality is very much a moving target. They don’t understand my motivations at all.

Complete amputation was my primary goal when I moved out. Anything connected to the marriage was left behind, and contacts I had through them were severed. Only two things allow them to reach me at all: one ever-dwindling reason is to stay open to the possibility of mending the marriage, and the other is a court order to be reachable for shared assets. The thought they could be reading what I wrote crossed my mind, but the only way that would be possible is if they’re trying to drive behavior from me.

Manipulation was prevalent in my upbringing, and their actions make perfect sense from that perspective. If you think you’re being verbally abused, pay close attention: verbal abusers need power over you to abuse you. Every verbal abuser I’ve encountered, and I do mean every, will do the same thing when you try to leave: re-establish control. It may come as promises, and Someone Crazed and Pathetic may pretend to offer a deal. The second of three common strategies is what is happening now: invoking authority.

Someone might try to claim a familial obligation to talk to them, as an abuser in my past did. Ironically, what they are now doing is exactly what I helped them escape with another: gatekeeping. They believe I will want access to our house in the future, and so they have inserted themselves in that process. It would work, but I’ve already severed any reason I’d have to return. Rookie abusers follow the playbook, and I’m ready for the third trick: evoking a response.

Right now, assuming they are indeed following abusive patterns, I’d estimate their attempt will come in about three weeks. My would-be abuser will be frantic, because nothing they’ve tried up to this point will work. What before were laser-targeted statements to try and draw hurt will become a scatter bombing. Bets are on them throwing more accusations at me, talking about how all of this is my fault, and how negligent I’ve been through the divorce process. Fruitless attempts will be made to blame me for creating barriers and undermining them.

None of it is true, because I took my friend’s advice to heart: be the man I want to face in the mirror ten years from now. At times I’ve wanted to inflame things, or lash out in pain, and I haven’t. More than once I’ve thought about visiting my old house, and I’ve sent my friends as emissaries the few times there was a reason to go by. Where they have stayed a fixed point, I’m racing along. Divorce was an incredibly potent catalyst to becoming someone I love being. Reaching fulfillment wouldn’t have been possible without them, and for that I thank my ex-wife.